| Move is Complete |
[07 Jan 2008|11:43am] |
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mood |
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 busy |
] |
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music |
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When I'm Up (I Can't Get Down) - Great Big Sea |
] |
Okay, so the great move has been finished. I am mostly unpacked already, however the problem we had was getting the NEW couch into the new place. It is 1 inch too large on the back of the couch to fit through the door. So instead of putting it in the house, it is on the back porch right now, and I think I am gonna re-arrange the porch a bit and maybe do an over hang over the couch to keep it mostly dry.It will be nice to have a place to sit outside and just relax.
I am looking for either a sectional couch still, or perhaps a bunch of chairs, and a dining room set. I can built the bar later if i really want to, which I most likely will. It doesn't need to be huge, but large enough for all my bottles.
Most of my wine is missing, since the move. And I am a little pissed about that, but I will cope. I am gonna try to get everything finished in the new place before the end of the month so I can have a decent party. I am still hoping some of my friends from out of state will be able to make it up here for a visit soonish.
The new place is kind of lonely, empty right now and quiet. I have never had a place this quiet before, and it will take some getting used to before I am comfortable as of yet. I think I will be listening to music to fall asleep to for a while, but not forever.
A friend of mine is leaving the state forever, and I am going to a party tonight for that, but it is sad.
Life is moving for everyone, and although I am now living alone, it is not any different for me really, I still feel like I am standing still, not moving forward or backwards. It is like I am in the middle of a massive ocean, my sails are up, but unmoving, the temp is neither too hot or too cold, but there is no breeze. There is no flow to the water. I am here, and not moving. A bastion of strength for everyone to keep themselves moving at times, or a shoulder to cry on, but the wind does not lift me, does not move me. It is as if I am not suppose to be going somewhere or getting to someplace.
I am the fountain of affection
I'm the instrument of joy
And to keep the good times rolling
I'm the boy, I'm the boy,
You know the world could be our oyster,
If you just put your trust in me,
'Cause we'll keep the good times rollin'
Wait and see, wait and see ... oh wait and see!
There's exaltations, a sweet disintegrations
There's a few discolourations, then it comes along
You know up is what he chooses, the kisses and the bruises
There ain't nothing he refuses, then it comes along
It comes along, and I am lifted, I am lifted, I am lifted!
CHORUS:
When I'm up I can't get down
Can't get down, can't get level
When I'm up I can't get down
Get my feet back on the ground
When I'm up I can't get down
Can't get down, can't get level
When I'm up I can't get down
Get my feet back on the ground
He just needs, something to bind him
Something to wind him up
It won't take long to find him
When it comes on strong.
Black skies are grinning, street lights are spinning
The night is just beginning, and then it comes on strong
It comes on strong, and I am lifted, I am lifted, I am lifted!
CHORUS
Oh it comes on strong, and I am lifted.
It comes on strong, and I am lifted.
I am lifted, I am lifted!
CHORUS
Oh, I can't get down
Oh no, no, no, no, no, I can't get down
Oh-oh-oh I can't get down
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| Year's End |
[04 Jan 2008|09:31am] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
] |
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music |
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River of Dreams - Billy Joel |
] |
Yesterday, my grandmother passed away. This is the second death my family has had on my mother's side in two months. I don't know what I could possibly say about this, because I am still in shock, but the funeral is on January 15th.
----------------------------------
Another year has gone past, and I have little to show for it except a great deal of pain. But here is a recap, and my resolution.
- I have worked at my job for a while now, and my position although is not what I would want for the rest of my life, I do have a good and well-paying job. It is a good thing in my life.
- Conventions were good, costumes were nice, but something seemed missing. I am not sure what was missing, but this year I will have to try again. I felt lacking, but that might have just been loneliness at the conventions.
- I have made some new friends, and good ones at that. Friendships grow and fall, but I am happy with my life on this aspect.
- I am still single, but no longer do I really care. I just want to enjoy my life.
- I lost one of the most wonderful people in my life, but I know she was proud of me and loved me. My mother passed away on October 29th.
- The holidays I spent enjoying friends company and sometime with my family. I saw my grandmother, and we made amends. Mother would have been happy at this.
- New Year's I spent with some friends and good food.
- Packing for my move has gone well, and I am close to being done with all of that.
- I lost the second person in my family on January 3rd, my Grandmother. My mother's side. I don't have nearly as many regrets with her death as my mother's. We made our piece, and she knew, no matter how much we argued, we did love each other.
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| Impending Doom... Move! |
[19 Dec 2007|10:50am] |
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mood |
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busy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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My Christmas List - Simple Plan |
] |
There is a lot going on in my life right now, and none of it is just cut and dry simple stuff. I got offered a position with work, telling me all my hard work is actually noticed. They offered me a nice full time position, but I am not sure if they will keep me past August to begin with. I made my boss get it in writing that if they don't need me, I still get my severance package. Work has been interesting and I am getting the department involved in some holiday cheer. One of my co-workers complained I had been listening to everything but holiday music this year, and to taunt him I put on some interesting stuff (everything from Luke Ski to Keven Bloody Wilson). He groaned but started singing along.
Unfortunately for me, I am really feeling the lack this year. The holidays were always my mother's favorite season/time of the year. She always made everyone around her, no matter who they were feel very loved and special. And unfortunately because she is no longer walking beside me in life, I cannot share the holidays with her. At times I really want to just curl up and cry myself out, I know I cannot.
With moving so soon, the packing is taking time left and right and I have very little spare right now. Originally I was moving midway through January, but now its actually the beginning of January. I have actually gotten very lucky with some friends and family donating stuff so that my place is not so bare. I have Amaya offering to help me make curtains and artwork for my walls. With a large number of my friends offering to help with the move, things are going rather swimmingly well.
My room is filled to the brim at the house right now, nothing but boxes stacked fairly high. The walls will be bare tonight and not having anything on them if I finish what I want to this evening. The way things are looking right now, things will be nice and finished with no problems. And I am thinking that I am going to have a nice party either end of January or middle of February to show off the new place. A friend, Scathghealach, actually has some deco stuff he used right out of collage he is helping me out with, so it will be nice to have some cool things to put up. Wall scrolls I think are going to go up in the incoming stair area. But I don't know everything right now.
Sad thing I want most this season, is someone to cuddle with... allow me to mourn the loss I had. But even still... she would not have wanted me to be upset or unhappy.
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| Dancing on a razors edge |
[15 Nov 2007|09:57am] |
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mood |
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 calm |
] |
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music |
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Pissing in the Wind - Badly Drawn Boy |
] |
Saturday, the 10th, after work I went out and saw a bunch of friends and had a good time. It was kind of an Irish Wake for my mother, and it was honestly really good. The Tim Malloy's Toasted and sang to my mother, which I really appreciated. I most likely should have drank more water or more food, because Sunday I really spent sleeping. I woke up Sunday Night and took a hot long bath, and then ate some crackers and watched a movie, I just really was not hungry. I watched the latest movie in my collection, Land of Women, and then went back to bed. I have no Idea actually how much I drank- nor do I care to guess. But then again, not knowing is better than knowing in this case.
People keep asking me how I am doing, and I have to answer honestly, I am doing better than I really expected someone in my shoes to react. I am keeping together mentally and able to work. I am able to relax and try to breathe now and then, and even play games or read a good book without breaking down and crying alone.
It has been exactly 17 days since she left the world, and 15 days since the funeral. I have been kind of numb at times, and other times I just want to curl up and hide away from the world. I won't though, I will not hide, and I will not run. I have friends, good friends that are there to support me when I am upon my knees with pain and mourning. Their warmth does prevent me from becoming completely cold, and it melts the barriers of ice I know covered my heart from the time I received that fateful call. I have made myself busy and I have made myself too goal based to really be anything but me. I don't want to keep thinking of what she will never see in my life. I want to do her proud, as proud as I know she is and was of me. I have packed away some of my things, DVD's and such and replace some of mine that I never watch with hers, that I have not seen in a long time. I have been watching them mostly over the past few weeks, even and especially the ones she watched often. It might not be completely healthy, but I have enjoyed myself and the movies she loved a good deal.
I am starting to pack up other things as well, such as some of my books I never read, my Manga's and some of my history or religious books. I think I will finally have a chance to get my books and some of my more memorable stuff from PA come next year when I get my severance package from my work. Which will be nice. I have been talking to a friend of mine through work, Phil, who did my Tattoo and he might know a few people or connections to get me some nice furniture for my new place. I am most likely gonna talk to ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) polyranger about borrowing one of his massage tables for parties that I have either Phil come down for or even my friend Jane the massage therapist, help them get a bit of extra cash for work at a party. Would be nice I think, and my new Landlord and his wife are really cool. I think next year I might do a few BBQ Parties or something like that.
Through a friend at work, Willie, I have been reading a great deal more Manga, and a couple of the series have been really good, and some of them just make me think. Below the cut I have included a bunch of songs and lyrics from series called CLOVER - that I actually really liked. CLAMP artwork and a very confusing storyline, but then again, it would not be CLAMP without it being confusing as all hell. For anyone who knows me, it is the same studio that make X, and where my nickname comes from. I have been missing that kind of thing as of late, I am talking about the stimulation that makes me think, and because of this I have been more and more complacent and willing to stay with whats comfortable instead of trying to learn or grow. That is not healthy, never has been and never will be. I think I most likely will get the Brain Academy for the Wii soon, work on my intellectual as well as my mental reflexes. I know after I move I am going to be making more meals at home and most likely eating more healthy than a chicken sandwich or a salad from someplace downtown, but I know for a fact that I will also be joining a Gym come January. Here we come, muscles!
I have a friend coming to visit from OK once I move, a friend I met via World of Warcraft, so it should be pretty cool! I mean the time I went down to Georgia for my friend Falkor's Wedding was really spectacular. He and his wife have promised to come up sometime for a visit. I even have two more friends, Morningwind, and Izamos that say they are willing to come for a visit, but I don't know if Valkara will ever or not. He seems attached to his job and house in MI. I recently got my warrior alt up to 70, it is a little strange having two people to do daily quests on, not only is it strange, it is very time consuming. But that is fine, I don't mind the extra work for the extra gold. Will get my game where I want it to be eventually.
Some people have been laughing at me for planning out each room with a color or type of design theme, but I don't mind the laughter. I am making the house the way I want it, and no one else. It will be my own place, my own sanctuary. No room-mates, which if anyone knows, I really have always lived with someone. I have always either had a girlfriend living with me, or family, or room-mates, and let me tell you that this feeling of going to be living all alone, after living with polyranger (after he moved out and since I never saw my other room-mate ever) it really felt like I was living alone, and it was a nice feeling. And I really am looking forward to it. I have really gotten a lot of support from friends and family for stuff to go into this new place, still missing some key things, but I think what I don't get via them, I will purchase, most likely from someplace like Target.
Well, I suppose I should actually do some work, cause we are kinda busy and I have been doing this between calls for the last three to four hours. Well till later I suppose, don't get in to too much trouble without me!
Lyrics / Songs from Clover
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| The Funeral - The loss of a wonderful woman |
[05 Nov 2007|11:17am] |
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mood |
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 apathetic |
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music |
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Run Away Train - Soul Asylum |
] |
As per my last post, I am going to go over the details that have happened since my mother has passed on. My mother, as many would know, has been sick for a while now, and been attempting to get disability for some time. Unfortunately she was rejected again, being told she was "healthy enough to work." Now anyone who knew her, knew she was in pain, but not a great deal of people knew the extent.
I was informed on Monday, October 29th, 2007. I was at work when I received an family emergency call from my cousin, Amanda. She called in, and on my alternate line I received the call. My co-worker Brett called over and I had him transfer Amanda to me. She said "Ted, I don't know how to tell you this, but your mother has passed a way." My first response was "You're Fucking Kidding Me."
I know my cousin is not one for those kinds of jokes, but it was the first response that came to my mind. I was in shock, I felt broken and even now I still feel broken. I got a ride from Jei and Fiona up to my grandmother's place. It felt like the weight of ages was crushing down upon my soul. I took the stairs in a single leap and yanked open the front door. The air inside was thick and felt much like the air within a hospital. The animals in my grandmother's house were all very quiet. My aunt Robin, her partner Wally, Amanda were in the Kitchen with Brian. They all had that dread look that something has gone horribly wrong. I said my greetings to them in a curt manner, and I know I was borderline rude. They didn't seem to notice.
I went into my grandmother's room and attempted to be strong for her. She started to hug me with strength I have not felt in her arms for years. I teared up and silently weeping, that put her into another fit of tears and saying how unfair life was. I know it was not healthy at the time, and I doubt it would ever have been healthy, but for her I ruthlessly suppressed them. I hugged her and told her it was alright, that she was without pain and was now at peace. There was no Warning. This was completely unexpected. Unfortunately my Aunt said, "No one knows what happened, she just dropped dead." My grandmother was saying how bad it was, she was in the bathroom, and no one knew she had passed for a time. I got my brother's information from my father and began to call the Red Cross to begin the ball moving to get him to MN. They connected me to a VM box 3 times, till i finally got a hold of someone to help. Monday night, I did not go home. I could not face that, instead I spent the night at Jei and Fiona's. I started writing that night, about my mother
Tuesday I spoke with my mother's lawyer and the Coroner as well as the Funeral Home. The Coroner stated they verified there was no suicide attempt, and that her Tox Report came back and it showed she appeared to have been medicated by a professional. Made some arrangements, but in the end nothing could really be done without my brother being in MN. So to get the ball rolling, we got my brother in route out here to MN, and he landed at around 8 PM. My aunt had helped set up everything and rented a van. They picked me up and then we snagged him from the air port. He looked as broken as I felt inside. We hugged and then went and grabbed a bite to eat at IHOP. It was one of mother's favorite places to eat, so it felt a little strange being there. We talked and remembered mom, there was laughter, and laughter is good. She loved to laugh.
Wednesday morning, after sleeping very little, in fact I got about 45 minutes of sleep I think, although I am not sure. I kept getting phone calls and with my cell on Silent, it would buzz and I would get up and go answer it. Tom and I went out to the Funeral home and we made the arrangements with Paul there, Aunt Robin helped us out and it was amazingly nice to have her there. We got everything worked out, and the county paid for her casket. Although I feel horrible, the help from the county made it affordable. We gave them what we wanted her to be wearing. I didn't have the heart to request to see her before the funeral. Some might call me a coward, but I knew if I saw her then, not the laughing and beautiful woman I have always known.... It hurt to think about her cold and gone. We wrote up her Obituary:
My grandmother was very pleased with the Obituary. After that, my aunt had to run to get things ready for her Kemotherapy on Thursday. So Amanda drove us around, we stopped by Wendy's on the way home. Tom and I watched a movie, and I tried to distract myself. Both of us did not get a great deal of sleep again.
Thursday rolled round and my father landed at 3 PM. He got to us around 4:30 - 5:00 and we went out to Perkins and ate some food before heading back out to the air port to pick up my brother's wife and take her up to meet grandmother before the funeral. Both Tom and I agreed, it would not be good to introduce her to the family at the funeral. Instead of going out like we were thinking of doing and meeting up with my Aunt Lisa and my Uncle Tim, we canceled those plans and we went back out for dinner, Tommy (my brother's wife) picked a sit down place and it wound up being Perkins. We had some dinner and did some planning. Father was informed we needed to be at the funeral home an hour before the funeral. We went back to the house and kind of sat around talking. Needless to say, my brother is a very lucky man.
Friday, the day of the funeral was upon us and Tom and I both were dressed to the nines. We climbed into my cousin's car, Andrew, which was under my father's control and we drove upto the Mattson Funeral Home for the services. The pastor for the whole thing was actually a childhood pastor of my mother, as well as the man whom married my father and mother when they wed. The funeral itself, I am sure was different than most people want funeral's to be. Most people view it as something morbid and sad. My mother was laid to rest with us reliving the best and fondest memories of her. After the service, it was my turn to speak.
After myself, my brother, shaky as he was, standing proud and strong in his dress uniform gave his speech.
After my brother, my Aunt Robin stood up and read a speech, but unfortunately, I do not have a copy of it currently. There was laughter, which she would have been happy with. A friend from our old work was there as well, actually most of the management team from VUE was there, they sent flowers. Our old trainer stood up and gave what I thought was a beautiful speech about my mother and her life. She is as she was, a woman whom inspired.
There is little I can say additional to the base facts of this week past, but I am still broken. My heart will never fully mend. As time goes by, yes the pain will lessen, and the moments when I just want to curl up and cry will get farther apart. I know that deep down, that she will not rest endlessly. She was too beautiful a person to lie and wait. She will move on and have another life, and another after that. Spreading the radiant light she was to many other lives. I am just proud to have been her son in life. I am proud to have known her and been with her as much as I could, as anyone could know another or themselves. But I hope to make her proud of the rest of my life as I knew she was proud of me this far in my existence. So I would like to say good bye, or till next we meet. Because even if she is not there to hold or hug me, I know she is there and can hear me. She will always be with me and within my heart, for she was the one whom forged it. I love my mother, I always have and always will. Good Bye Mom, I love you.
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| Mournful Passing |
[29 Oct 2007|08:05pm] |
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mood |
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 melancholy |
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music |
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None |
] |
For anyone who does not know, a great light in the world and in my families life has passed on this day. Today around 1 pm, my mother has joined the souls of the worthy in the Summerland. To those who knew her, knew her light and strength. To those who didn't, you shall never have the chance to meet such an amazing person. To those she has left behind, we now feel a hole in our hearts.
If people do not hear from me for a bit, do not worry, I am still here. I am working to be the pillar for my family right now, with the support of my friends I will make it through this alright. Before I forget, I want to give thanks to my friends Jei and Fiona for being there, and my shoulder. You are my strength right now.
Since the Day of the Dead is fast approaching, I ask kindly, please light a candle and think of my mother on old Hallow's eve. Thank you.
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| Life and NIGHTWISH! |
[29 Oct 2007|08:42am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 geeky |
] |
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music |
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Wish I had an Angel. |
] |
Okay, so this weekend was a bit eventful. I worked on Friday and went over to my friend Drew's for some Shadowrun goodness, and the story seems to be coming along very nicely. The group seems to be working out very interestingly. We have two Street Sams, a mage, and me- the sneak thief assassin. Some how we pissed off most of the police on a small island nation and we had to run away and wound up getting roped into doing a job for the P.C.C. by some Hacker chick. Well all said and done, we are a little... strange group and we are working our way through the mission they gave us. All said and done, we are doing pretty good.
Saturday, although it was strange at work, it was dead. I was really wishing I had managed to get some decent work done, and in the end I wound up looking at Craig's list for most of the day for a sectional couch for my new place (I will most likely spend most of the day doing the same thing). But no luck on locating one that is not 250 pounds per section and 9 sections. So I will continue to look and hope to find a nice one that goes with the idea's I have for the new place. The straight boyo has made plans for each rooms, with color schemes. I have plans, and they mostly seem possible!
The Theme is as follows:
Kitchen - White, Black with Red Accents
Bathroom - White and Blue
Living room - White, Black, and Silver Accents
Dining room - Earth Tones
Saturday night I went home and jumped on WoW and managed to get into the Karazhan raid. It was great, as far as I can tell, we killed the whole instance in 5.25 hours. I got out rolled on one piece of gear which pissed me off to no end, but managed to get the shoulders i wanted. The night went pretty quickly and I just went to bed, but I wound up laying awake most of the night. I only passed out about 11:15 am and woke back up at noon. I jumped on WoW for a bit in the morning, and wound up snagging the helm that every plate wearer wants from the Headless Horseman. Sad thing, I cannot use the helm for another 3 levels, but thats not a big problem.
After getting off my time quickly was spent getting ready for the concert. I got downtown and grabbed a bit of grub from Macy's and then headed to First Ave. Needless to say, the opening band, Paradise Lost, was decent, but the problem is that only a smattering of people in the whole place knew who they were. They even had to ask if anyone knew who they were, cheering for them made me feel kind of like an outcast from everyone there. It was an all ages show, and it was VERY interesting. I had this little blonde and her friends trying to flirt with me and I knew just from the way they acted they thought I was much younger than I am. Finally after humoring them for a while I asked them if they wanted to go upstairs for a drink (at the bar) and they told me they were way to young for that. The blonde said she turns 17 in a month. I felt part of my soul just die. I knew it. Only the young ones.
I talked to them for a bit more, and they asked me about my life during the intermission. It was kind of odd, but interesting I guess.They really wanted to know about working in downtown and how expensive living on my own is. The three of them I found out were best friends and were hoping to get a place in Uptown and move away from their parents, and they wanted to go to college downtown at MCTC. So I gave them what help I could, and then they said thanks. About that time the main event came to the stage so I moved my way back to the group I was with and got as close as I could, which was pretty close. The band struck up and the music made us move. I could feel the base vibrating my bones and my heart was pacing like a stampede.
It went on for a good long while, some songs I had never heard, and just to say it, the new lead singer was amazing. Hot as all hell too, wearing a corset and school girl plaid mini skirt. I think they played about 15 songs before heading off stage. We got them back on stage for two or three more songs, and they ended with my all time favorite song ever. "Wish I had an Angel"! Needless to say I am just completely stoked and having a good mood going even still, although my hearing is a bit wonky still. Well, off to get back to working!
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| The next step... |
[25 Oct 2007|04:35pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 Bouncy Thoughts |
] |
| [ |
music |
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The Stranger - Billy Joel |
] |
So, it is official, I am going to be moving in the middle of January to the end of January. I am gonna be moving to NE Minneapolis, and lucky me I am gonna be alone in my nice new apartment. Nice Hardwood floors. I will also be able to have a cat!
But due to the fact I did most of the furnishing in my place out in Pennsylvania, I have very little in the way of furnishing to use for the new place. I have some things, and a bunch of people have given me the head not that they should be able to help me out with some things on my list, how ever I am missing some things still.
I spoke with my kid sister, Amaya, and informed her that I was drafting to help out with works of art to hang on my walls. Keith has some stuff he is helping me with some kitchen stuff. There are a few things I am gonna buy from target (like bathroom supplies). But I am wondering if any of my friends have a spare item or know someone who has a spare item on the list below. If not I don't mind, just looking before I buy things. I think I also will be getting some string lights for the huge walk in closet.
Item List:
Microwave
Curtains
Small Kitchen Table & chairs / Folding Table & chairs
Throw rugs
Dresser/Wardrobe
End Tables
Lamps
Lounge Chairs / Arm chairs
Couch (I would love a sectional)
Bar & Bar Stools
Small book cases
Water Filter Jug
Window AC
Display Case / Curio Cabinet
Small filing cabinet
What is Bold I consider things I need before I move in, but the rest is "Please, I really would like!" kind of stuff. I am keeping my eyes on Craigs List, and free cycle- so if I find something and get it off my list, I will let people know. I am pretty sure I am gonna do a party at my place after I have moved completely in and get unpacked. I already have a bunch of people saying they will help me move, and I think I would be renting a U-haul for a day for this expo. Maybe cook a bunch of pizza's and give pop out to my friends for helping me. I know most of my friends can be bought with food. ^_^
Well that is my good news for the Year. have fun everyone.
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| Nightmares |
[11 Oct 2007|03:46pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 blah |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
No More Love - Shinedown |
] |
Lately, when I do sleep, I have horrible nightmares. Most are easy to deal with, I know they are false, but this last one, it woke me up at 4 am or so. It was so vivid, so life-like... I couldn't help but think it was real life. I was enjoying life, I was having a good time. I was a little older, my hair had gone silver at the temples, it was still long, but less thick. I was dressed head to toe in nice looking clothing. I was out having a good time with a lover. She was radiant, shorter than I, but I couldn't make out her features. Her hair was misty, just like her face. She was beautiful, or at least I think I remember that from the dream. Then It changed.
I was suddenly sitting, chained to a chair. One of those tacky electric execution chairs you see in the old movies. I had little demons dancing on my shoulders, laughing sarcastically in my ear. I was watching the scene unfold in front of me. The eyes of my on-screen self flashed darkly, almost perverted glee. I saw a crack appear on the side of my face. It ran from my temples down to my jaw line and to my chin. Like porcelain that was shattering. I had my right arm wrapped tightly about her waist, and holding her face into my neck as my left hand reached up to pull at the crack. It came free and there I was, my own worst enemy. I was someone I consider an jerk, uncouth and evil. His face was happy, delirious, but it was something else. It was a mocking look in his eyes. He had something, I did not. He was being himself, someone whom I considered a friend and no longer, he had someone and something, and I had nothing.
I awoke with my body literally aching, like I had over worked all the muscles in my body, or my skin was stretched too tightly over lies and someone within my body was using it while I slept deeply. My hands had left marks on my arms, compressing into my flesh until it left less than bruises but something more serious.
The more I think about it, the more depressing a dream like that is. I pride myself on being who I am. I am what I am, and I will be no one but me. But still... this dream was disturbing.
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| The Future |
[17 Sep 2007|10:03am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Black 47 - Time to Go |
] |
So I got my severence date from Eschelon Telecom. It is next August, the thirty-first. A whole year before I am to move on in my ways.The severence package is pretty nice, and I don't mind the ending of something and the start of something new. I am thinking I will follow A's advice and actually go on a nice vacation, most likely to Ireland or Japan.
I am finally getting over my Bronchitus at this point and I am looking forward for being healthy again. Yesterday I cleaned most of my laundry and attempted to get my room cleaned up more. I am looking forward to Poly's wedding this weekend to his lady. I have the greatest hopes for those two. Well back to work.
Saw something in the paper just the other day,
It was all about a band and the music that they play
Black 47 advocates violence,
Musical guerillas in their terrorist alliance
My anger subsided when I realized the source
An English rag and I said "oh, of course"
It didn't shock me, cos my history
Tells me eight centuries of this, see...
Anytime anyone upsets the status quo
You're stabbed in the back by the so-called liberal whores
I know this much, this much i know...
People are dying...it's time to go.
It's time to go.
They tell me i don't understand cos I'm American
But unlike them, I've been to northern Ireland
Needless to say, I was not impressed,
To tell you the truth, it left me feeling real depressed.
Soldiers with guns all over the place
Aiming them right at my little kid's face
An innocent child, two years of age,
Don't ask me as to the reason for my rage
They just don't care about over there
When I say something they cry "no fair"
I know this much, this much I know
People are dying...it's time to go.
It's time to go.
I support one thing, that one thing is peace
Peace with justice and the troubles will cease
British rule totally fucked up the place
Treats us like we're an inferior race
Pat and Mike jokes on the BBC
Face it, you're racist, all you're missing are the white sheets.
You keep on lying, i won't stop trying
I won't step off till my people stop dying
Whether or not you choose to agree
I guess that's why you're called the Enemy...
I know this much, this much I know
People are dying...it's time to go.
It's time to go. get the fuck out!
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| Advice to my friends |
[06 Sep 2007|01:06pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 Off-kilter |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
FOD - Greenday |
] |
Okay, I have had too many people lately call me or send me letters/email/pictures of them and their partners in life. And that prompts this advice.
I am single, a little lonely, and tired of people flaunting it. I don't need to know about your sex or snogging. I don't want to know. Please stop sharing. I don't need to know your latest conquest, your weekend spent fooling around with someone, or even how nice someone looks.
If you cannot do this, go to hell. Thank you, that is all.
|
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| Life, the Universe, and Everything, part Deux |
[30 Aug 2007|10:01am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 angry and tired |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Breakdown - Daughtry |
] |
Another day in the bowels of El Diablo, attacking magick the darkness. Today again, the wireless got terminated at work. I have not been using it during the week as much as possible. I have my laptop open for music and I have been working more on my writing as of late than anything, but honestly its very annoying. I do my work, what I do with my time between calls should not be an issue, but for some strange reason, it is. I am not downloading anything extreme, I am not going to naughty sites or anything.
So I am most likely going to be going crazy on Saturday with nothing to do at work except my off-line work, and maybe my Nintendo DS. I might break down and play more on my games on that on Saturday instead of anything else. Both polyranger and myself have the song from REM, "It's the end of the world and I'm fine with it" on our computers to play tomorrow, the last day we are the company we are.Tomorrow is the last day before the new company takes over. I cannot help but wonder if they nuked the wireless because of that, or if it is just because of certain people breaking the rules.
I finally have a decent weekend coming up, but unfortunately for me, I won't be able to enjoy it much with my mother's health being in the toilet again, as well as a few other things. I tried to score some Avenue Q tickets for the 4th of January, but tickets are actually 185 a person, and that is just plain obscene. Unfortunately my father is once again not visiting me in MN, which, honestly is not a big shock. Once again, the eldest son, the namesake takes the back burner to everything. He never even sent me a birthday card this year. I am shocked he even remembers that I am alive some times, but then again, my kid brother has always been his favorite son.
I am feeling pissy now, and not too chipper, so I might put my head down because of my headache. I might post something later.
|
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| Another Day |
[29 Aug 2007|02:39pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sick |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Charliesomething - Eric Schwartz |
] |
To my dearest little sister, Sally Brown, it’s Charlie here
A lot of things have happened since you skipped town
For one, I’m queer, for about a year
I know, of course, you might be less than psyched
About the path I took
But I had to face the fact that I kind of liked
How Linus looked, before he booked
‘'cause Patty came out and left me shocked and confused
She shacked up with Marcy, who was clearly abused
And I picked up a needle that had just been used before
Now Lucy’s playing hockey, her team just won the Stanley Cup
Schroeder dresses just like Beethoven did and ties her up
And she barks like a pup
And the hunt is on for Linus,
But as you know, he’s hard to catch
You see, he found that lots of interesting things could grow in the Pumpkin Patch
But the feds are no match
'cause he and the red-haired girl split the scene
The Psilocybin sultan and the cannabis queen
And Franklin shot Tupac and now he ain’t nowhere to be seen
Break it down!
Woodstock got eaten by the cat who lives next door
Snoopy got neutered and now he ain’t Joe Cool no more
And he’s still kind of sore
And Pig Pen OD’d, was just a matter of time
He couldn’t keep a job on account of the grime
And he couldn’t face a future of small-town crime no more
So write us all a letter and tell us how the city is
Freda said she saw you, so tell me how’s the porno biz,
My little sis, the porno biz, my little sis
I really needed a laugh today and this wound up being one of the random things on my ZUNE that showed up on completely random. I am so tired, I have the sniffles and a tickle in the back of my throat that just will not go away. Sleep seems like a good friend, but not one that I have access to right now. It has been very hard to break from the therapist mode that I have been in for so long, but I think I am really doing it. Although I really have not had decent sleep for about a month now. And when I do get it, someone calls and screws it up.
I am still judged and most likely will die viewed as the nice guy and most likely be the single, gamer hermit, that watches video's online to keep in contact with anyone or anything but thats alright with me I guess, there are worse things in life. But the rant is over. Talk to you all again sometime I guess.
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| Writer's Block: Time Travel |
[29 Aug 2007|10:31am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
sick |
] |
Maybe myself. Point out things that I do wrong or ways I could improve myself, or give me stock advice! Kidding. No if I could, I think I would pick Hayao Miyazaki or Neil Gaiman. For obvious reasons.
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| Therapist |
[27 Jul 2007|08:12pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 Seething Hatred |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
F.O.D - Green Day |
] |
Okay people, this is the end of my rope. The end of my desire to make everyone happy. I have played everyone's therapist for so long. Far too long, and I am not going to do it any longer. Today I received about thirty or so people asking for advise, bitching about their partners or relationships. One of these said people has not spoken with me since the time their relationship needed advice.
I am done, I will no longer fucking help you people. You want advice, go find yourself a happy little therapist who makes a lot of money listening to your problems and trying to help you fix them all. I have done all I care to do, and I will not help you all with your god damned relationships again. My heart is poisoned to helping or healing, and nothing in sight will change this fact.
My once warm and giving soul is no longer so open or willing. The "Open all night" sign is off, and the doors are closed. I don't care what you all think. I am tired of being the fake happy face for all of you people. Yes, you HAVE problems, everyone has them. Learn to deal with them, learn to work through them with each other. I could care less anymore. You people never make up your god damned minds and never will. And I am tired of the flopping around like a dying fish on a dock after being fished from the depths.
You want me as a friend, fine. Treat me as a friend and not your personal pocket Therapist. The doctor is out, and will not be back, I have butchered him in his sleep for he was weak and needed to be put out of his misery. The nice guy has checked out and will not be back. Start treating me as a real friend and maybe someday that self-sacrificing jackass might be back, but at this time I seriously doubt it.
F.O.D by Green Day
Something's on my mind.
It's been for quite some time.
This time I'm on to you.
So where's the other face?
The face I heard before?
Your headtrip's boring me
Let's nuke the bridge we torched 2,000 times before.
This time we'll blast it all to hell.
I've had this burning in my guts now for so long.
My belly's aching now to say
Stuck down in a rut of dislogic and smut.
A side of you well hid.
When it's all said and done.
It's real and it's been fun.
But was it all real fun?
Let's nuke the bridge we torched 2,000 times before.
This time we'll blast it all to hell.
I've felt this burning in my guts now for so long.
My belly's aching now to say.
Your just a fuck.
I can't explain it 'cause i think you suck.
I'm taking pride, in telling you to fuck off and die.
I've felt this burning in my guts now for so long.
My belly's aching now to sing.
I'm taking pleasure in the doubts,
I've passed to you.
So listen up 'cause you might miss it...
You're just... a fuck,
I can't explain it 'cause I think you suck.
I'm taking pride,
in telling you to fuck off and die.
Goood niiiiiiiiight....
|
|
| Life |
[07 Jun 2007|12:21pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
Zen |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Marylin Manson - Redeemer - Queen of the Damned |
] |
Whisper in the yard and turn the trees all into toys
Lay there on the ground, and turn the dirt into your joy
From what I see and what I know, it's all been boring lately
So I suggest we trade a question mark in for a maybe
Time your riddles right, and make a point that has no sense
Make sure that you're smiling, and the money's been well spent
Innocence and ignorance, it all goes hand in hand
I'm not sure that I'm right, but I hope you'll understand
I hope that you're still searching for the start that has no end
And all the plastic people have now become your friends
Before you start to drift and your soul begins to scream
I just wanted to tell you that you're listening to a dream
This is from the song called The Dream on the Album Us and Them from Shinedown. I heard it this morning for the first time and really listened to the lyrics. My life has been a bit hectic lately and things are going astray. I am finally coming back to start, the beginning where I was before everything went good or bad, my neutral, or my zen. My Center. I guess it just takes more time to reset after things head south. I have been out of it since the geek prom last month. I am myself again, and I am not looking or expecting anything in life anymore. Expectations lead to pain and suffering all round. I am what I am and I am just Kamui again. I guess one could say that I am getting old, with the impending doom of my whelping day so close- I am getting more philosophical than I have in the past (that might just be from me finding a few gray hairs lately) but I am myself. Or I at least I think I am.
Hey, man, it's been a while
Do you remember me?
When I hit the streets I was 17
A little wild, a little green
I've been up and down and in between
After all these years and miles of memories
I'm still chasing dreams
But I ain't looking over my shoulder
I like the bed I'm sleeping in
It's just like me, it's broken in
It's not old - just older
Like a favorite pair of torn blue jeans
This skin I'm in it's alright with me
It's not old - just older
It's good to see your face
You ain't no worse for wear
Breathing that California air
When we took on the world
When we were young and brave
We got secrets that we'll take to the grave
And we're standing here shoulder to shoulder
I like the bed I'm sleeping in
It's just like me, it's broken in
It's not old - just older
Like a favorite pair of torn blue jeans
This skin I'm in it's alright with me
It's not old - just older
I'm not old enough to sing the blues
But I wore the holes in the soles of these shoes
You can roll the dice 'til they call your bluff
But you can't win until you're not afraid to lose
Well, I look in the mirror
I don't hate what I see
There's a few more lines staring back at me
Now the nights has grown a little colder
Hey man, I gotta run
Now you take care
If you see coach T. Tell him I've cut my hair
I've kept my faith
I still belive I'm just...
Ha
I like the bed I'm sleeping in
It's just like me, it's broken in
It's not old - just older
Like a favorite pair of torn blue jeans
This skin I'm in it's alright with me
It's not old - just older
|
|
|
[02 May 2007|11:10pm] |
Your results:
You are Mr. Scott
| Mr. Scott |
| 85% |
| Geordi LaForge |
| 80% |
| An Expendable Character (Redshirt) |
| 70% |
| Spock |
| 70% |
| Deanna Troi |
| 60% |
| Chekov |
| 60% |
| Uhura |
| 60% |
| James T. Kirk (Captain) |
| 55% |
| Mr. Sulu |
| 55% |
| Data |
| 54% |
| Worf |
| 45% |
| Jean-Luc Picard |
| 40% |
| Leonard McCoy (Bones) |
| 40% |
| Will Riker |
| 30% |
| Beverly Crusher |
| 15% |
|
You are a fun-loving foreigner with an
amazing ability to get any job done on time.
Often described as a "Miracle Worker".
 |
Click here to take the Star Trek Personality Test
|
|
|
[19 Apr 2007|09:31pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bitchy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Life's Gonna Suck When You Growup - Dennis Leary |
] |
Working.... Fine, does not screw my day up too much.
Working Over time, this puts me on Edge.
Working that over time in the CSC, pissed me off.
Broken Promise, doesn't help anything but push me closer to the edge.
Wasted dinner plans, I can feel the edge beneath my toes.
Having someone I care about very much so miss my birthday plans, the ground crumbles.
Being told that something you cherish is changing, I feel the push at my back.
I give up, honestly I do. Seriously give up. The world fucks over everyone in it repeatedly until we cannot take it anymore. We Give and Give and Give. Some give till it hurts and leaves us raw. People wonder why the gentleman faded away, I don't. This world killed us off. One by one, making chivalry useless and a waste. All the old world views seem to just wind up as forgotten and stepped on. Anyone who does not hold the views of today's corrupt society, is pushed under and trampled to death.
I am cynical and I don't care anymore. The world can go fuck itself with a sand paper condom for all I care. Everything was looking up for once in my life. I should have expected it, people who are nice should never expect happiness.
NOTE: Final Cap in the day, I am out of Whiskey. God I hate my life right now.
|
|
| I really needed this today |
[16 Apr 2007|05:40pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 Don't Ask |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Always Look on the Bright Side - Monty Python |
] |
Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When you're chewing on life's gristle
Don't grumble, give a whistle
And this'll help things turn out for the best...
And... always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the light side of life...
If life seems jolly rotten
There's something you've forgotten
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you're feeling in the dumps
Don't be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle - that's the thing.
And...always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the light side of life...
For life is quite absurd
And death's the final word
You must always face the curtain with a bow.
Forget about your sin - give the audience a grin
Enjoy it - it's your last chance anyhow. So
Always look on the bright side of death
Just before you draw your terminal breath
Life's a piece of shit
When you look at it
Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true.
You'll see it's all a show
Keep 'em laughing as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.
And always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the right side of life...
(Come on guys, cheer up!)
Always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the bright side of life...
(Worse things happen at sea, you know.)
Always look on the bright side of life...
(I mean - what have you got to lose?)
(You know, you come from nothing - you're going back to nothing.
What have you lost? Nothing!)
Always look on the right side of life...
|
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